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50+ Jokes About Quitting Drinking

Hey you, yes you!

Are you thinking about giving up alcohol?

Well, look no further because we’ve got the perfect antidote to your sobriety – 50+ hilarious jokes about quitting drinking!

From puns to one-liners, these jokes will have you laughing so hard, you won’t even miss that glass of wine.

So sit back, grab a sparkling water (or don’t, we won’t judge), and get ready to have your funny bone tickled.

Let’s dive in!

Jokes About Quitting Drinking

I quit drinking because my liver sent me a resignation letter.

I told my bartender I was quitting drinking, and he said ‘That’s a sobering thought.’

Why did the drunk man quit drinking? He was tired of being hungover the next day. Now he’s just tired.

I quit drinking and now I have a lot more time to watch my friends get wasted.

I quit drinking and now I have all this extra money to spend on things I can’t afford.

I quit drinking and suddenly became an expert on La Croix flavors.

I quit drinking and realized that water actually has a flavor.

I quit drinking and suddenly my coworkers aren’t nearly as funny as they used to be.

I quit drinking and now I can actually remember how much I embarrassed myself at my last office party.

I quit drinking and now my designated driver gets to have all the fun.

I quit drinking and discovered that Sparkling Cider doesn’t actually get you drunk.

I quit drinking and my hangovers were replaced with an overwhelming sense of superiority.

I quit drinking and discovered that coffee is actually a pretty decent substitute.

I quit drinking and realized that I’m not nearly as fun as I thought I was.

I quit drinking and suddenly my collection of beer steins seemed pretty pointless.

I quit drinking and now my favorite bar is just a place that sells overpriced burgers.

I quit drinking and now I have all this extra energy to argue with strangers on the internet.

I quit drinking and now I have a lot more time to judge my sober friends.

I quit drinking and now my cocktail shaker is just a glorified water bottle.

I quit drinking and realized that my friends only liked me when I was buying the drinks.

I decided to quit drinking because I realized that I was living my life on the rocks.

I quit drinking for a bit, but then I realized that I was just sobering up for the hangover.

I decided to quit drinking when I realized that One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, Floor was not a valid life plan.

I stopped drinking because I couldn’t handle the pressure of being the designated driver.

I quit drinking because I realized that Alcoholics Anonymous is only for quitters.

I stopped drinking for a while, but then I realized that I needed to sober up enough to ask for my ex’s phone number.

I gave up drinking for my New Year’s resolution. It’s already been a long January.

I decided to quit drinking because I wanted to be able to use my liver for something other than a stress ball.

I stopped drinking because I realized that hangovers aren’t worth the fun.

I quit drinking because I woke up one day and realized I was spending too much money on alcohol and not enough on therapy.

I stopped drinking because I realized that nothing good ever starts with ‘Hold my beer.’

I quit drinking because I realized that alcohol was my ex’s first love.

I decided to quit drinking because I realized that getting sloshed doesn’t exactly fit well with my fitness goals.

I gave up drinking because I wanted to become an Olympic athlete. I figured if I could quit alcohol, anything was possible.

I stopped drinking because I realized that I was starting to look like my own mugshot.

I quit drinking because I realized that happy hour was starting to turn into sad hour.

I decided to quit drinking when I realized that my landlord was happy to rent to me, just for the deposit they could make on all the beer cans left outside my apartment.

I stopped drinking because I realized that I was always the party pooper, and it turns out that’s a good thing.

I quit drinking because I realized that sober people don’t need to hide their car keys from themselves.

I decided to quit drinking because I was sick of having alcohol conversations with myself. I mean, I was never going to win that argument.

I’ve decided to quit drinking because I refuse to be a whining drunk, I’d rather be a whining sober person.

I quit drinking because I can’t afford the hangovers anymore – my liver is simply too expensive to maintain.

I decided to stop drinking because it’s hard to find my way home when I’m busy doing parkour on the sidewalk.

I quit drinking because I don’t need alcohol to embarrass myself.

I’m giving up drinking because I can’t handle the pressure of being the life of the party without a liver left to spare.

I gave up drinking because I couldn’t handle the thought of competing with a bottle of water for the title of ‘most boring beverage’

I decided to quit drinking because instead of a six-pack, I ended up with a one-pack and a big round belly.

I decided to quit drinking because my liver deserves a vacation.

I quit alcohol because I’m tired of passing out before my phone battery runs out.

I decided to give up drinking because I couldn’t bear the thought of my bartender replacing my name with ‘blubbering drunkard’.

I quit drinking because it’s hard to mix business with pleasure when one of them involves a risk of DUI.

I gave up drinking because I discovered that moderation is a term that doesn’t exist in my vocabulary.

I quit drinking because my liver made a plea bargain to the Pancreas department.

I decided to give up alcohol because I started looking like Keith Richards even when I wasn’t drunk.

I quit drinking because I realized that coffee doesn’t need a chaser like whiskey does.

I quit drinking because it was hard to distinguish between my drunken self and my cat’s puking self.

I gave up alcohol because hangovers started lasting longer than the relationship with my ex.

I quit drinking because my liver decided to start protesting the excessive work hours.

I gave up alcohol because being drunk and texting my ex didn’t seem as romantic as it did when Taylor Swift did it.

I quit drinking because I realized that instead of drinking my sorrows away, I could just buy new swag with that money.

Up to You!

Well, there you have it, 50+ jokes about quitting drinking!

Whether you’re considering giving up alcohol or just looking to get a good laugh, these jokes are sure to put a smile on your face (and maybe even inspire you to make some healthier choices).

So go ahead, share them with your friends, post them on social media, and let the good times roll (without the booze, of course).

Remember, laughter is the best medicine – especially when it comes to kicking a bad habit.

Cheers to a sober life!

Wait, scratch that – here’s to a HYDRATED life!

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