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50+ Jokes About Near Death

Hey you!

Yeah, you!

Do you ever find yourself in near-death situations and think to yourself, “This is it, this is how I go?” Well, fear not my friend, because we’ve got just the thing to help you laugh in the face of danger.

We’ve compiled 50+ jokes about near-death experiences that are sure to tickle your funny bone.

So, whether you’re an adrenaline junkie who loves flirting with disaster or just a regular person who occasionally finds themselves in precarious situations, buckle up and get ready to giggle with our hilariously dark humor.

Let’s ride!

Jokes About Near Death

Why was the man afraid of the airport? Because he always had a terminal illness!

Why did the skeleton go to the party alone? Because he had nobody to go with!

Why did the chicken cross the road? To prove to the possum it could be done!

Why are ghosts so bad at lying? Because they’re always transparent!

Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing!

Why is it so hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs? Because they always take things literally!

Why did the boy bring a ladder to school? To reach the high school!

Why did the computer go to the doctor? Because it had a virus!

Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems!

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!

Why did the cookie go to the doctor? Because it felt crummy!

Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two tired!

Why did the grape stop in the middle of the road? Because it ran out of juice!

Why don’t ants get sick? Because they have little ant-bodies!

Why did the doctor take a hammer into surgery? To knock out the patient!

Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well!

Why did the farmer bury all his money? Because he wanted some root interest!

Why did the pencil cross the road? To get to the point!

Why do ghosts love elevators? Because it lifts their spirits!

What do you call a fish in a tie? Sofishticated!

I almost died from laughter, but then I realized it’s just a figure of speech.

I had a near-death experience while skydiving. I landed safely on my bed.

I almost got hit by a car, but I jumped out of the way… of a parked car.

I was so close to death, I could hear the Grim Reaper saying, ‘Not today, buddy.’

I had a near-death experience during my morning jog. Turns out, I was just running late.

I almost drowned in a sea of paperwork. Thank goodness for paper clips.

I nearly got run over by a speeding motorcycle. Luckily, it was just my reflection in a store window.

I almost died from boredom, but my dog started doing backflips to entertain me.

I had a near-death experience on a rollercoaster. I thought I had lost my phone, but it was just in my pocket.

I almost got hit by lightning, but then I remembered I’m not a cat.

I nearly fainted when the doctor told me how much a hospital stay costs.

I thought I was going to die while stuck in traffic, but then I remembered I had snacks in my glove box.

I almost lost my mind during finals week, but then I realized I never had one to begin with.

I had a near-death experience when I got lost in my own thoughts. I couldn’t find my way out for hours.

I almost got run over by a cyclist, but then he stopped to ask me for directions.

I nearly had a heart attack when my boss called me into his office, but it turns out he just wanted to give me a promotion.

I thought I was going to die when my phone battery hit 1%. Then I found a charger.

I almost fell off a cliff while hiking. Thankfully, there was a sign that said ‘Do Not Jump’.

I had a near-death experience when my flight hit some turbulence. Turns out it was just the pilot’s sense of humor.

I nearly passed out when I saw my bank balance. Then I remembered I had a savings account.

Up to You!

Congratulations on making it to the end of our list of 50+ jokes about near death!

You must have nerves of steel or a wicked sense of humor.

Either way, we hope that you’ve had a good laugh and haven’t been too scared to get into bed tonight.

Remember, life is short, so make sure to enjoy every moment, even the close calls!

And if you need a pick-me-up, just come back to this list and have a chuckle at the absurdity of our mortality.

Stay safe out there, folks!

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